:)

I love the meerkat so much its untrue. There. You can all carry on now. Nothing to see here. Thank you.

Man Flu

I have man flu. Its worse than the back plague. Fact. Bleurgh. I blame the week and a half of sub-zero temperatures.

Realization.

Its easy to get bogged down when you're too busy. Today, for the first time, I saw the Christmas time in my head. Seeing my parents, the meerkat, and friends. It felt good.

Giving in.

I always knew I was different. When every one I knew was playing football on the street until dark (they were other times) I was in imperial Rome, listening to Caesar, or Middle Earth or at the other side of your common variety wormhole. I held the lines against rampaging alien broods, seduced princesses throughout the Multiverse, crossed the Gobi desert looking for Alexander's treasures, learned swordplay with Masamune-sensei in medieval Japan, helped capt. Nemo navigate the Nautilus.

Eloquent, I was. Popular, I was not.

So I accommodated. I gave in. I thought no one would be interested in it, so I kept it close to the heart. Things changed with Chuck et al, but it was a slow boil. When I met women, it was a similar story. I always thought this was something odd, dirty, something to be ashamed of. I have to say that some of my relationships managed to reinforce this idea to no end. (This set of concepts can also be extrapolated to a number of other ideas, like those of you that know me will know....)

So there I was. Pretty sure I would have to have a Geek-cave, somewhere musty, wet and slimy, to keep what I liked, never again to see the light of day.

And then the meerkat came. Someone that was beautiful and true and honest and pure. Someone without an ounce of repression and malice. Someone that takes me as I am, no more, and no less. I need not to moderate, to put the hologram of normality on. I actually think I tried to shock her at the start: 'this is what I am, take it or leave it.' And she took it.

Words elude me at time to describe how much I love and care for her. She is everything I ever dreamt and more.

I love you, Jo. Here's to the future.

:)

Things.

Today I opened an old book and a bookmark fell out. Old think, just an old train ticket, but it made me think. In the distant year of our Lord 1998, I bought a bookmark in Lisbon. A narrow rectangle made of papyrus, it had the Latin alphabet, and the Egyptian hieroglyphic correspondent. I kept that bookmark for 10 years, and it followed me for dozens, if not hundreds of books. Many times I thought I'd lost it, a few times I made trips on purpose to retrieve it from somewhere.

And then, on my last house move, it vanished. I have no idea where it went. I still don't, to this day. At the time, I was going through a lot, and a simple bit of papyrus wasn't high on my list. With the possibly exception of my flip-flops, and a pair of Bermuda shorts, they were my oldest, continuously used possession, but, at the end of the day, it was only a thing.

Things are things. They mean a lot, they are sometimes irreplaceable, but they are, at the end of the day, things. People matter. Family, friends, loves. They are the important things in one's life.

I'm honoured to love and be loved by a number of people, the meerkat most of them. I miss my bookmark, but I don't really mind, at the end of the day.

Wherever it is, I wish it all the best. And if someone found it, and is using it as a bookmark, I could hope for no better.

If my frinds had titles, what would they be?

They might be something like this:

Tania the Wise
Carlos the SoulBrother
Hugo the Artist
Cai the Grey (as in grey areas, she's a lovely pale white in real life)
Freya the Strong
Anna the Lovely

Joana the Everything

No idea where this came from. I'm going to bed.

Meh.

I hate not knowing stuff. For the last couple days I've been feeling a little bit under the weather. No other physical reasons. I hate not knowing. If its the flu, I can deal with it. Lack of sleep, same. Allergy, same. But this? I'm spanking hugely happy, slept loads, been eating well. Rant over. We now resume normal services.

New blog!

There you go. Decided to get a little bit of fresh air onto the blogsphere. I love the new look, if I do say so myself. So..... what else? Meerkat is still around and my love for her is stronger than ever, half term is upon us (woop, woop!), weather is turning towards freezing.... So you know, going well! ;)

Old age, here I am,,,,

Last week, I celebrated my 35th circuit around the Sun. Those who know me, know that I couldn't care a tin of beans re: chronological age. Today, however, on a very early train out of Birmingham New Street, something happened that made me feel old, old, old. Carriage was very empty, as it would be at 8 something in the morning on a Sunday morning. I was reading my book, and I heard the ticket guy saying 'You OK, sweetheart?', 'Don't worry, I've seen it all on a Sunday morning.'. 'You'll be OK?', and then a young female voice going 'Yeah, I'll be fine, just want to get home.'

I immediately forgot about this and carried on reading. About 15 mins later, as we approached a station, someone got up from behind me and moved over to the door. Instinctively I looked over. She was short, spiky blond hair, couldn't have been a day over 17, 18. Massive headphones, quite obviously coming from from heavy clubbing/raving. She was dressed in a cropped tshirt and what can only be described as a thong, revealing pretty much all of of her buttocks.

Two thoughts assailed me, followed quickly by a third. 1) I'm sure she's cold, 2) I hope she gets home OK, bless her, and 3) Taking 1) and 2) into consideration, I'm bloody old.

I'm old. Meh.

Rumblings and ramblings....

The weather is starting to turn. Nature is going back into her slumber for another few months. But its different now. There's a butterfly-in-stomach thing. Antecipation. The small furry borrower has borrowed into my heart. And it doesn't feel odd. It feels right. And good. Some people - bless them - don't get it, not really. Too confortable with sticking things in labeled drawers. Thank the Universe I've had Cai 'Shades of Grey' in my life for long enough to see beyond it. So yeah. All good!

Hear my growl, hear me sing in the Moon....

For the first time in my life i have a knickname, a pet name, if you will. I am now known as Freki, one of Odin's (the Allfather) wolves. They accompanied their master everywhere, in both hunts and war. I love it. And love the namer, too.

I flippin'-diddly-uh-da did it!

I did it. The three peaks. It took us 27 hours, but we did it. I walked,

limped or hopped up and down the three highest peaks un the UK. I did it. I can bloody do anything. See if I won't. I'm a leaf in the wind, watch how I soar.... (PS - This is a Delek at the top of Snowdon)

Through the blast furnace.

So I went home for the summer. It was so damn hot it was untrue. Seriously seriously hot. And moist. Trully, horrible. C will never let it drop, 'har har, you thought it was hot, har har'. Anyhoot, it was still great. Seeing my grandfolks, or rather, saying goodbye. That was good. Meeting up with friends, family. Having quiet walks around Edward VII park, just chilling, effortlessly. So yeah, all good. Cleared cobwebs, really. Now bak to old Blighty. Getting some driving lessons, and a car! (If all goes well!) Golden Hanshake finnaly kicked in, Gates of Hades, I hate taxes.... But its a gift, so am not saying no! And yeah. If you're wondering, I am still smiling.

Decisions, decisions....

We make decisions every moment of our lives. Maybe they split our Universe into the miriad alternate realities of the Multiverse. I don't know. What I do know is that in the here and now, I made a conscient decision to not be unhappy any more. It's going well, and I hope it continues. So things are not always perfect. You take it in, process it, adapt, evolve. I'm smiling at the moment. May long it continue.

Grandparents.

Up until the ripe old age of 18, I was privelleged enough to retain all 4 grandparents. Then grandad Fernando passed into the Other Side, finally succumbing to a life of chain-smoking. He was a big figure, larger than life, a wireless telegraph operator at Lisbon Airport. A humourless dictator at home, but a mellow bunny to his grandchildren. As a young man, he learned english by hearing the BBC World Service, and to the day he died, anthough he had a fairly limited vocab, he sounded so posh it was untrue. Then, just a few months ago was grandad Julio 's turn. He was a simple man, a bright mind in a humble and poor shell. In another life he would have been an engineer or doctor or anything, but the son of a cobbler in the 1920's had no such possibilities. He became an office worker, his mind a giant addition machine. He was a loving, rude man, partially deaf, hence his constant LOUD VOICE. He taught me to think before I act, to look beyond the obvious into the detail, and to ask 'Why?'. Ultimatly, I believe, he turned me into a scientist. 5 days ago was the turn of nan Cristina. A simple soul, that never had many ambitions in life. A homemaker her whole life, she never craved more than to have a happy family, and she did, raising 3 children and helping to raise 3 grandchildren. Yesterday, I lost the last one, nan Maria. She'd been ill, so it was expected. She worked for a pharmaceutical company, made pastries to sell in restaurants, and was, I believe with all my heart, happy, if scared all the time, of pretty much anything, I will miss them all, and treasure their presence in my life for all time. Godspeed, my lovelies. We shall meet again Beyond the Veil.

Enough.

I kinda have had enough. In general. I say this with a smile on my lips, its not a depressing statement in any shape or form. Its just that a lot of feelings bubbled up recently, and I had to deal with them, and a number of conclusions were.... Well, concluded. I'm tired to be a nice guy, I'm tired of being played with, I'm tired of feeling lonely, I'm tired of.... Well, being tired, really. Changes on the horizon. Some bigger, some smaller. You know, its Darwin's adapt or die scenario. Not as literal in my case, but still relevant. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, and I feel ready for a breath of fresh air. Life is change, tghe Universe depends on it. My turn, then!

Scotland, tick. Stonehenge, tick.

And so it was that, over the course of 4 months, I did two of my lifelong dreams: I went to Scotland, and visited Stonehenge. Lovely. Quite interesting, seeing something that you could almost sketch by heart, after seeing it so many times in the past. A bit like I found the Mona Lisa. But still, it is one of those things that you get what you put in, I went to be marvelled, and marvelled I was. London is still pretty cool, I love that place.

I went up the mountain, and then came back down again....

The title says it all. Two days ago, on the 10th of April, in the year 2010 of the Common Era, I, over a 5 hour period, climbed and descended Scafell Pike, England highest peak, sitting at 974 meters above sea level. It was one of the most physically demanding things I've ever done, so it was good I did it with the best group of people you could ever wish for. The view was stunning, (you could see the Isle of Man!) the air clear. It was simply amazing. And yes, I took Daleks up there. 'Cos, you know, what were the odds someone had done it before? Exactly. Another week of break still, London and Stonehenge. Yay!

Anyone still out there?

And there it is. I completely forgot about all this for the longest longest time. In my own defense, its been a very busy couple of months. New job, new house, new activities. Lessons have been going well, although there is a lot of backstage work that goes with it. The support stuff does pile in at times, but its all good. Have been popping over to Oxford, its funny to feel that close to a place these days. Grandad passed away. Quietly, silently, with dignity, like he was in life. I'll miss him terribly. He was the one to teach me to look at things, to go beyond the obvious. Ultimately, I guess that made me into a scientist. Spent new year in the Highlands, I finally went to Scotland! And I felt deeply connected with that place. Haven't acted since leaving Oxford, but helped with a production of Of Mice and Men at school, that went really well. So all good, if quiet. Oh, and am doing the 3 peaks challenge. God help us all, watch this space....